Pit of Despair: Believe it or not, it takes a bit of effort to make Carrie Underwood look this lovely. Don't believe us? Behold her Academy of Country Music Awards to-do list: 1) Find a kicky, fringe-covered metallic cocktail dress that in no way resembles anything Beyoncé would wear while belting out "Bootylicious." Check. 2) Slip on eye-catching diamond baubles worth more than the other "American Idol" winners combined. Check (also: suckers). 3) Dive into a vat of self-tanner tinted to match the orange carpet. Check. 4) Carefully study reruns of "T.J. Hooker" to perfect Heather Locklear's not-found-in-nature hair color. Check. 5) Stock up on plenty of clear deodorant. D'oh!
Honey, I Blew Up the Kidman: A class-act Oscar winner seems as out of place at a country music event as a training bra in Dolly Parton's lingerie drawer. Nevertheless, Nicole Kidman appears positively overjoyed to be supporting hubby Keith Urban on the orange carpet, although it's a good bet her bliss has far more to do with the fetching, Jiffy Pop belly she's accentuating in her sublime Yves Saint Laurent strapless frock than her proximity to Z-listers like Carrot Top (more on him later). The statuesque, stout-lipped actress' high spirits are so darn palpable that it would be unnecessarily nitpicky to point out how the pale silver hue of her dress is a mite too close to her milky skin tone or how the return of her natural corkscrew terra-cotta tresses is long overdue.
Bad-Touched by an Angel: We've long suspected that Criss Angel isn't just an illusionist -- he's also a highly skilled hypnotist. How else to explain his baffling ability to get up close and personal with the A-list likes of Cameron Diaz? But judging by the glum look on his date's face, Angel's post-hypnotic suggestion that there's nothing sexier than a limp-locked, mangy magician kitted out in a cheesy leather vest, Mr. T's entire jewelry collection and Def Leppard-brand bleached jeans (with lace-up sides and Goth-lite patches added for extra hotness) is wearing off. Fast. Still, for all the tricks up his sleeve (when he actually wears them), the ooky prestidigitator has yet to figure out that, unless you're Gene Simmons trolling for babes at a KISS concert, it's bad form to sport more makeup and higher heels than the woman you're trying to woo.
The Tweet Hereafter: If we were a fair-haired looker named Jewel, our closet would be filled with dresses in flattering if uninspired shades of ruby red, emerald green and blue sapphire. But the snaggletoothed singer is nothing if not original, and she opts for a fresher approach at the ACM Awards. Jewel slips into a sunny frock that in gem jargon would be best described as canary diamond, if the sparkler in question was on the hand of Tweety Bird -- and he was leaning against a yellow Marshmallow Peep. Not helping the harsh hue are the creases snaking across Jewel's hips and her insistence on wearing a wife-beater T-shirt she picked up for a song at Kevin Federline's last garage sale.
Minty Flesh: Karolina Kurkova has legs longer than a night spent watching the Oak Ridge Boys perform "Elvira" in Branson, Mo., so it's understandable that she'd want to show them off at every opportunity, even at an awards show she has no real business attending. But that's no excuse for the bombshell underwear model to strike a pose on the orange carpet in a backless silk onesie better suited to a centerfold shot in Prudish Leprechaun's Monthly.
Carrot Juiced: Kudos to the snapper who captured Carrot Top in one of his rare moments of self-reflection. Strangely absent, however, are the look of abject horror and the hunched shoulders of hopelessness that typically accompany the realization that: A) you're Carrot Top; and B) you're out in public wearing a piece of rope as a belt -- and it's the most attractive thing about you (other than your surprisingly non-inflatable date). Not only is the freaky, frizz-ball comic's baby-bottom-smooth face seemingly incapable of showing emotion, but his Popeye-after-a-spinach-bender biceps are preventing even the slightest slouch. Despite his lack of physical expression, Carrot Top is no doubt thinking back to that fateful day when it all went horribly, horribly wrong, and wishing with every fiber of his pop-culture-punching-bag being that he could have a do-over. And this time, he vows, he'll put the tweezers down before a single eyebrow hair is plucked.
Golden Girls: Kellie Pickler has built a career out of playing the dumb blonde, but she's smart enough to know that sequins and big boobs are as much a part of country music as melancholy ditties about broken hearts and pickup trucks. The "American Idol" also-ran wisely displays both in a gilded gold Zuhair Murad gown that features just the right amount of twinkly garnishment for the Sin City-set ACM Awards. Too bad things aren't quite as swell from the neck up, where her asymmetrical, cotton-candy-textured tresses age her far beyond her 21 years. (No, really, she's only 21. We checked -- a lot.) Kellie may have been aiming for a latter-day Marilyn Monroe when she marinated her noggin in peroxide, but she instead ends up crash-landing on a blowzy Bette Davis from "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?"
A Wolf in Creep's Clothing: Fans of "American Gladiators" are legion, so for safety's sake, we're gonna say something positive about Don "Wolf" Yates and his samurai-by-way-of-Transylvania getup. Just give us a second ... thinking, thinking. OK, how about how terrific it is that Wolf is helping Dracula's tailor branch out to a younger, less blood-sucky clientele? And that he's doing his part for the environment by recycling all his body hair into a patchy, pointy beard and a spot-on reproduction of Blair Warner's full and fluffy 'do from "Facts of Life."
Rimes With Purple: Not too long ago, we would have assumed the odds of catching a country music star styling a sophisticated couture gown were about as good as finding Lindsay Lohan curled up in bed on a Friday night with a self-help book and a cup of tea. But LeAnn Rimes proves what happens when one assumes as she steps out in a Grape Ape-colored J. Mendel goddess number that is as exquisite as it is elegant. It even comes with a matching apron, which the roots-flashing singer regrettably forgot to ditch before she hit the orange carpet.
Taylor Made: Who needs high school when you have the ACM Awards? Taylor Swift, 18, channels her not-so-inner prom queen in this pristine strapless gown that will soon be seen in flowing knock-off form on many a formal-bound teen. The winsome singer-songwriter sensibly keeps her accessories to a minimum, the better to highlight her bejeweled, crisscrossed floral bodice, face-framing curls and hefty diamond chandelier earrings, which are completely worth the nip/tuck she'll have to undergo to restore her soon-to-be shoulder-sagging lobes to their former position.
The Day the Earth Stood Still: Sarah Buxton clearly had a clothing crisis while getting ready for the ACM Awards, which made her forget one of the most fundamental fashion no-nos, one that's right up there with stirrup pants and scrunchies: run, don't walk, away from anything made of papier-mâché. And we really hope the singer is satisfied with this formless puffball of a frock, because somewhere a third grader is in tears over his missing science project -- a replica of the Earth that he spent weeks constructing out of nothing but wads of used Kleenex and leaky Bic pens.
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